Offensive, sick or naughty jokes

I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans.
Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I can sypathise with those upset by the death of Pavarotti- I felt the same when I lost a tenner.

I hear some of Saddam Hussein's shirts have come up for auction on eBay.
The collars are a bit worn, but they hang well.

Don't buy New Orleans wine!
I hear it's watered down.

Emergency supplies of Fairy Liquid are being shipped to Indonesia. Hundreds of people are washing up on the beach.

What's the best thing about twenty five year olds?
The fact there's twenty of them.

Did you hear about the 'Ken Bigley' Christmas crackers....?
They're the same as normal Christmas crackers, but without the hat!

Two sharks swimming around the bay....
One says to the other, "Shall we pop down to Morcombe for a Chinese?"

The government is going to increase the allowance given to Chinese cockle pickers by 30%
It should help them keep their heads above water.

What's the difference between Paula Radcliff and Hitler?
At least Hitler tried to finish the race!

Why did Princess Diana drive in a Mercedes?
She wouldn't be seen dead in a Skoda

Two Englishmen Father and Son, were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick Yorkshire Man is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshire Man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked 'What are you selling here ?

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshire Man said, 'You're doing very well then... only two left!'

What was John Lennon's last hit?
The pavement.

Who killed more indians than General Custer?
Union Carbide

How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eye. (the old ones are the best)

A newly recruited French Legionnaire found himself stationed in a remote fort in the desert. After a few weeks had gone by, he took one of the old timers aside and asked what the men did for a good time. 'We use a camel' was the taciturn reply. Revolted, the young soldier turned his thoughts elsewhere, but as time went by and he got hornier and hornier, he could think of little else. Taking aside another veteran soldier, he asked the same question and got the same answer, 'We use the camel.' Finally, desperate, the young man accepted the fact that the camel was the only available outlet, and one night he sneaked out to the barn. As luck would have it, one of the old-timers wandered by the barn and caught sight of the young soldier up on a crate, screwing the camel. 'What the hell are you doing?' he called out.
Rather puzzled, the recruit said, 'I thought you said you used the camel for a good time.'
'Yes, but usually we just ride him into town.'

How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.

What do you do if a woman comes out of the kitchen complaining?
Make the chain shorter.

How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None
Let the bitch cook in the dark!

What's the best thing about Women's Liberation?
It gives you girls something to do in your spare time!

Why does it take two gay men to rape a girl?
One holds her down while the other does her hair.

What's black and white and red all over?
A nun with stab wounds.

What's red and blue and doesn't like sex very much?
A rape victim

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream in the night?
Cot death

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you've learned".
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers.
"The father replied, "That's my boy."