Offensive, sick or naughty jokes
Why do people laugh at sick jokes? Perhaps it is a contradiction to people's own sense of morality, or maybe it's because something that is forbidden or frowned upon triggers that shock factor inside your brain. Either way, sometimes the sickest jokes are the funniest. Here is a selection that I've collected from various sources.
I make no excuses for lack of political correctness. In fact, I'm positively against it! :-)
If you have any to add, please contact me.
I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans.
Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I can sypathise with those upset by the death of Pavarotti- I felt the same when I lost a tenner.
I hear some of Saddam Hussein's shirts have come up for auction on eBay.
The collars are a bit worn, but they hang well.
Don't buy New Orleans wine!
I hear it's watered down.
Emergency supplies of Fairy Liquid are being shipped to Indonesia. Hundreds of people are washing up on the beach.
What's the best thing about twenty five year olds?
The fact there's twenty of them.
Did you hear about the 'Ken Bigley' Christmas crackers....?
They're the same as normal Christmas crackers, but without the hat!
Two sharks swimming around the bay....
One says to the other, "Shall we pop down to Morcombe for a Chinese?"
The government is going to increase the allowance given to Chinese cockle pickers by 30%
It should help them keep their heads above water.
What's the difference between Paula Radcliff and Hitler?
At least Hitler tried to finish the race!
Why did Princess Diana drive in a Mercedes?
She wouldn't be seen dead in a Skoda
Two Englishmen Father and Son, were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some thick Yorkshire Man is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshire Man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked 'What are you selling here ?
One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling arse-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshire Man said, 'You're doing very well then... only two left!'
What was John Lennon's last hit?
The pavement.
Who killed more indians than General Custer?
Union Carbide
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eye. (the old ones are the best)
A newly recruited French Legionnaire found himself stationed in a remote fort in the desert. After a few weeks had gone by, he took one of the old timers aside and asked what the men did for a good time. 'We use a camel' was the taciturn reply. Revolted, the young soldier turned his thoughts elsewhere, but as time went by and he got hornier and hornier, he could think of little else. Taking aside another veteran soldier, he asked the same question and got the same answer, 'We use the camel.' Finally, desperate, the young man accepted the fact that the camel was the only available outlet, and one night he sneaked out to the barn. As luck would have it, one of the old-timers wandered by the barn and caught sight of the young soldier up on a crate, screwing the camel. 'What the hell are you doing?' he called out.
Rather puzzled, the recruit said, 'I thought you said you used the camel for a good time.'
'Yes, but usually we just ride him into town.'
How many men does it take to mop a floor?
None. It's a woman's job.
What do you do if a woman comes out of the kitchen complaining?
Make the chain shorter.
How many sexists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None
Let the bitch cook in the dark!
What's the best thing about Women's Liberation?
It gives you girls something to do in your spare time!
Why does it take two gay men to rape a girl?
One holds her down while the other does her hair.
What's black and white and red all over?
A nun with stab wounds.
What's red and blue and doesn't like sex very much?
A rape victim
What's 18 inches long and makes women scream in the night?
Cot death
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you've learned".
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers.
"The father replied, "That's my boy."
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what's the difference between a women with problems and one without,....one of them has more problems than she thinks.
Three men were walking on the beach, and they found a magic lantern. When the youngest of the trio picked it up, and rubbed it to get a look at the finish, a genie materialized, and granted each of them one wish.
The first young man asked that his network be increased 100 fold.
The genie nodded, and said, "Done. You will get a call from your broker tomorrow."
The second young man asked to be twice as attractive as he was. The genie looked startled for a second, and then nodded. Before their very eyes, the young man's features changed into a appearance that could land him a spot as a leading man in the movies.
The third young man asked to have his innate intelligence doubled. The genie was quiet a second, and then asked him to reconsider his request. The third young man was adamant, so the genie nodded his head, and the third young man was then changed into a woman.
whats black blue and orange and lies on the bottom of a swimming pool? - a baby with burst arm bands
whats worse than a truck filled with 100 dead babies? a truck filled with 99 dead babies and 1 alive baby that has to eat his way out!
what sits in a corner with their smile getting wider and wider and wider? a baby eating razor blades
why is santas sack so big? because he only cums once a year
whats the difference between a christmas dinner and a dead baby? i dont cum in my christmas dinner before eating it
whats 20 feet long and wrapped round a piece of sh!t? a turban
why did romans build straight roads? so pack!es couldnt build roads on them!
Please pass the mayo
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise?"
A tart walks into a bar and asks the barman for a "double-entendre".
So he gives her one.
whats green and sits in a corner
a dead baby two weeks later.
how do you circumsize a red neck?
just kick his sister in the jaw.
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Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field!
You cruel bas***ds ... I love your site, lol.
Anyway. How do you make a grandma shout "C*nt!"?
Get another one to shout bingo.
What is special about a dead baby over all other forms of life ?
You can achieve deep throat from whichever way you enter.
What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?
An erection.
whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pile of sand? You cant move a pile of sand with a pitch fork
whats the difference between elton john and a microwave oven.....?
a microwave won't brown your meat..................
I was walking through a cemetery the other morning when a saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone............. I said to him... "morning mate...!"
he replied......NO .... Just having a shyt....!
one old Lady ...........................died in her childhood...
Why did princess Diana cross the road?
she wernt wearin a seatbelt
the reference was to a broadcast joke about rebecca adlington- basically a not very funny attack on her looks- which was censured by the broadcasting complaints commision.
I would have to agree with the article- live shows should not be (and are not) subject to the same standards as broadcast material. You have to do more than idly flick across channels to be exposed to live material, and if you buy a ticket for Jimmy Carr by accident then it should be a good life lesson to look before you leap!